I AM in shape…round is a shape!!

Lovely Jubblies

So, it has been decided that I should lose some weight. I’ve said it plenty of times before and never really managed to reach my goals, but this time will be different (honest!). I’ve gotten off to a fairly good start; 6lbs in two weeks (edit. 9lbs in a month by the time I’ve posted this). Not too shabby at all. I also know that I am the lightest I have been since January 2011. I know these facts as I recently dusted off the old Wii-fit I bought with good intentions all those months ago. So neglected was it however, since those early Wii-enthused days, that the batteries inside it had got that bored that they decided to explode themselves all over the internal circuitry. Happy days.

Gym Bingo

If you ever find yourself in a gym, amuse yourself by playing gym bingo…see how many of the characters you can normally find at the gym that you can spot.
As I haven’t been for so long, I’m sure there are many more than I list here, but off the top of my head, you can find any of these in any gym across the country.

Olympic Torch Relay. Or Joke.it.is

As I write this, the Olympic torch is on the 60-something day of its epic 70 day journey round the UK.

Now, as every day is a school day with me, here’s a bit of history for you. The Olympic flame is a symbol of the Games which commemorates the gift of fire to Mankind from Prometheus – a Greek Titan. Rather foolishly, Prometheus had stolen the fire from Zeus, the daddy of all Greek gods, to give to the humans. Naturally, Zeus was a touch miffed by this. Being the harsh disciplinary the big Z was, Prometheus wasn’t let off with a warning, given an Asbo, or made to do community service much as he would be today. Instead, he was to suffer eternal torment – delivered through being bound to a rock and having his liver eaten by an eagle (the symbol of Zeus), only for it to grow back ready for it to be nibbled on the next day. Ouchy! Talk about being made an example of.

Celluloiditis. Or sex and nachos.

Celluloiditis is a condition unrecognised by the medical profession which one suffers from, solely from within the confines of the multiplex cinema. Symptoms can include elevated heart-rate, fever from boiling blood, steam emitted from out of the ears and if allowed to persist, tourettes-like, uncontrolled, violent verbal outbursts.

Saturday Night Cleaver.

So on Saturday night I went out on the town. Not something I’ve done for quite a while. Now I enjoy a jolly good booze-up as much as the next socialite. But most recently I have been restricted myself to ale houses and popular national boozer chains. Generally my nights out will be wrapped-up and I’ll be home and tucked up for not much after 2am. Last night was a bit different though –

Time, thou art a fickle bitch.

Right now, i’m just on the train and realise I have some time to kill. I need something to take my mind off the sporadically grizzly infant, the loud conversations in an indeterminate Asian dialect, the old guy with tuberculosis and the unfortunate combo of a fairly full bladder and out of order toilet facilities. And as the passage of time is very much the order of the day, this seems like as good a subject as any.

How to annoy your co-workers. Part 2

For the 1st part of this blog, click here.

It is not just the excessive noise-makers that can prove to be big distractions. Many offices have frustrated sportsmen. I say men, as I am yet to see a woman exhibit this kind of behaviour.

Some people seem to wish their were out at the crease or on the fairway of the 9th. What kind of monumental tool will practice their favourite sport in the office….and without any sporting gear even?!?

How to annoy your co-workers. Part 1.

Every office has it’s own phantom fridge raider, but surely there are much better ways to annoy and alienate yourself from your co-workers than simple lunchbox lootage? This is something I have spent considerable time pondering. All the ways my colleagues annoy or bemuse me are logged, ready for retribution when judgement day comes and their fate rests in my hand. As I am running out of storage in my brain, I need to make some room for new entries – but as I am not into forgiving and forgetting I shall lay out all the infractions here so they are not lost to time.

Quit your Jibber-Jabber fool!

B.A. Baracus - Other bad-ass 80s icons are available

Ah, B.A. what an inspiration to me you are. Someone who really doesn’t suffer fools gladly but who will instead pick them up and throw them over his head. Life must have been so much simpler as a soldier of fortune. Unfortunately, the only similarities between myself and BA are a lack of tolerance to people talking cobblers and an affinity towards milk. I just can’t get enough of the cow juice. However, I do not have the upper body strength or the ridiculous amounts of gold jewellery to be able to go around idiot-tossing willy-nilly like the big man himself. Instead, my blood just boils and I bitch and moan about things in my little blog.

Talking…so 20th Century. Part 2 – Twitter #DesperatelySeekingAttention

Twitter is one of the social networking behemoths – it’s popularity has spread quicker than a good dose of chlamydia amongst randy teenagers. For the uninitiated, twitter is a social networking program which is part your own personal site, part a friends network, part email and part your own mini-blog site. In essence it’s a version of Facebook’s Status Update. Where Twitter differs to Facebook is that there is no limit to the amount of nonsense you can cram onto your facebook timeline. You are heavily restricted by how much you can post in any one go;